The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep. -Robert Frost

I was reminded the other day of why I used to have so many piercings, why I got addicted in the first place. When the steel is piercing you everything in your body focuses on that pain, you could say it is my runner's high. The one moment where my focus is on physical pain not emotional pain. You then have something to care for, something needs you. If you begin to hurt again then you can twist it and it will bleed and need you once more. It's times like these that I wish I had a child, unconditional love, a relationship without rejection. I need to feel needed like I need air. I need to hear that everything will be ok when I know that it won't be.
Poetry used to answer my questions. Now I don't even know how to formulate those questions. I know the miles of my life will be hard, I need support. I made this mess for myself. I need an education but I can't handle the workload. I feel like a failure, I'm not even valuable at work anymore,I don't make enough there so why do i stay there? When will I feel valuable again?

There's a long black train coming down the line feeding off the souls that are lost and crying..

I feel like I'm at a crossroads again and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. You would think I would be used to the pressure and demands that people put on me by now but I'm not. Instead I shut down and shut people out. I obsess over little details that I have to get done and spend more time on the little things and put off the large projects which ultimately screws me over.

At this crossroads in my soul I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions, an ongoing tug of war that never ends. Always tugging, always fighting to stay alive... I don't know why I always feel the need to impress everyone when being myself is enough for the people who love me...and I know that...they continually tell me that and I'm not sure why I don't believe it... I just always think I could be better and they would love me even more... I can't get songs out of my head for days...lines repeat over and over in my mind...it won't let me sleep for more than two hours at a time and the lack of sleep is takin its toll on me...making me cranky and I'm getting sick...I can't afford to get sick..I have too much to do and too much to worry about...two many people to disappoint to get sick I guess...would just be too easy.

Somedays I feel that I don't deserve any of the people who love me. I feel like they're all just waiting for me to disappoint them and I should just hurry up and get it over with...my degree program isn't good enough...my life isn't good enough...no matter what I do it's never good enough..

I want to scream and get everything out...if I thought any one would care enough to listen...I mean really listen not to the words that are coming out of my mouth, but the ones coming out of my soul.

Mystery at Lilac Inn

I can't stress enough how important my privacy is to me. It frustrated me beyond means when someone repeatedly goes through my things or into my room when I have asked them not to, or asked them to please ask permission before borrowing my things, so when I'm looking for that item, I know that it's not washed and is lying on your bedroom floor. I'm getting so frustrated with my home life lately I want to move out but I don't make enough for an apartment and loan payments. I can hardly make the loan payments due to my low paying job. It used to be really fun...now fun really doesn't matter...I hate being in debt...I hate being here.. I just hate everything!

And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda...

So I guess this is my version of the "Must Love Dogs" list, cliche I know but I am hoping it helps me to work out a lot of things in my head that no one else seems to be able to help me with, although I don't think it's their cross to carry;

-Must love country music and tolerate my music mood swings. Let me listen to my musical soundtracks, just hold my hand and shake your head.
-Open the door for me, but let me get it sometimes to, just reach out from behind me once I've opened it half way.
-INTRODUCE ME TO PEOPLE if we meet them even for a few minutes in a grocery aisle.
-Make me feel like you aren't ashamed to be with me, I don't want to make out in public but an arm around the shoulders or a hand on the small of my back goes a long way.
-Listen when I am talking.
-Give advice, fix my problems or at least talk with me until I think I've fixed them.
-Warn me if you see a movie or show with a "bad word" in it, or calm me down if I didn't see one coming.
-Tell me it will all be ok....a lot...and mean it
-Compliments go a long way.
-So do presents I have mentioned liking before the holiday has arrived...holidays aren't ALWAYS necessary.
-Don't talk down to me or swear at me.
-Don't make fun of me for making a mistake.
-Don't assume.
-Pay attention to what is going on in my life, it will help you to know what is wrong when I'm upset.
-Make the people who are important to me, important to you.
-Must love children, and want a family relatively soon.
-Must want to be married relatively soon, it is important to me.
-Don't suck up to my dad, but don't be afraid of him...he is important to me.
-Must hug my mom.
-Must tell me that there are things in my life I can't control but you promise it will all be ok and that you're there.
-BE THERE.
-Can't be scared to do stupid little things I want to do, like go to the zoo.
-Must tolerate my ghost shows, if you watch them with me, extra cuddling is involved seeing as how I'm a huge baby.
-Must rub my back once in a while, if I have to take medicine for it, then yes I'm in pain.
-Open the car door if you're on the same side as me only.
-Let me help build stuff..it is important to me.
-Must not smoke.
-If you're drinking it must be MODERATE. I can't drink as much as I used to because of how my heart reacts to the alcohol.
-Send me messages every once in a while to let me know you're thinking of me...not a text message...these messages don't have to be every day.. just once in a while.
-I don't like pop so don't order it for me.
-Let me order, but you should by now know what I am going to have or like anyway.
-I have many quirks, learn them.
-Flowers are cute, every once in a while, a carnation will only set you back a toonie.
-Make a CD or play list you know I will like every once in a while.
-Must wear undershirts.
-Must let me wear your sweaters.
-Must let me hold your pinkie in mine and not be afraid of looking like a loser.
-Must let me have my alone time when I ask for it, I understand you need some too.
-Must ask before making plans that involve me and not agree to things for me.
-Must understand the importance of a "top of the head" kiss, especially during a hug.
-Must be nice to my kitties.
-Must tell me when you don't like something, when it is happening, and why.
-Must not expect me to love ALL of your friends, we are different people and we like different friends.
-Must let me help cook. A hug from behind goes a long way, let your hand trail across my back when you step to the side.
-Must let me fall asleep when I'm tired and we're watching, pull the blanket over my shoulder (not too high) and hold me.
-If I say I'm not feeling well lately...I mean it...ask if there is something you can do to make me feel a little better.
-If you like something I have on, tell me, I tend to wear those things more often.
-Laugh with me. Over anything. Laugh.
-Treat me like YOUR baby, not like A baby.
-Must answer your phone when I am having an anxiety attack, I wouldn't call you at 4 am if nothing is wrong, even if I say nothing is wrong, something is wrong.
-If we are renting a movie and I say it doesn't matter to me, it doesn't, I don't like making decisions so choose, if I don't want to see it, I will tell you.
-If I chose a movie or a so called "chick flick" that I really want to see, suck it up, there might be something in it for you.
-DO NOT put your arm around me in the theatre, it hurts my back.

I should probably stop now seeing as how I look insanely anal and crazy. This seemed a lot easier on the movie. I like movies. I must seem like a horribly critical person...I just thought they were little things...little things mean everything to me...they show me someone cares...like when Maggie wears the necklace I bought her when we are together even though she doesn't usually wear jewelry...She knows it means a lot to me, and that means a lot to her.

If I Could Change The World, I Would Be The Sunlight In Your Universe - Eric Clapton

-LJ

There's a place I go in my head sometimes...

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be walking down the road and suddenly be hit by a Mack truck coming 100 mph the other way? Have you ever hoped for it? I have. To be spread over the road like interstate jam. Gone. No more choices, no more pain, no more sorrow, no more aching, sounds like a deal to me.

I feel more small and insignificant now than I ever have before in my life. I don't write, eat only when I have to... trying to block the thoughts that are never ending from creeping into my mind over and over... like a broken film reel that won't stop playing the same movie... I can't read... I can't sleep... I can't even talk to the people I used to be able to lean on... because they're not anchored to the ground where they used to be... they grew wings while I was still trying to balance on one leg... I used to think about what it would be like to have those wings...freedom... no choices to be made... you know what you are, who you are, and what your purpose is in this world. Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose...a lot of the time... I feel like I'm merely here for decoration... for other people to kick around until they find a new shiny toy to play with... temporary... replaceable...

My Hero

In elementary school I had to write a paper about the oldest person I knew, I chose my grampy, he was the tallest man I could think of with the whitest hair, and he needed to wear glasses and fell asleep in his arm chair a lot, so I thought he must have been ancient. I wrote about how my grampy volunteered for meals on wheels, bringing food to people who had no families to take care of them. I wrote about how he was mad Grand Knight of his Knights of Colombus council, the same council who later sponsored me in hockey and gave me scholarships in university. I wrote about how he volunteered to build and run camps for kids with cancer and make their lives happier. I wrote about how many brothers and sisters he had and where he grew up. I wrote about how he liked to bowl and play cards with his brothers and how his name was on the wall at the west side bowlarama for having such a high score.

What I didn't write about was how much my grampy loves me, and how scared I am to lose him. I didn't write about how much he gives to others, taking some of his CentraCare patients out with him on errands so they didn't have to be confined to white walls all the time. How he tried so hard to touch the heart of every child with cancer who came through the doors of the camp, he made them smile with his smile and hid his own battle with cancer from them. I didn't write about how many times he volunteered at Lancaster Mall to play Santa and let little kids sit on his knee and tell them what they wanted for Christmas. I didn't write about how I used to fake sick from school so I could spend extra time with him, we would go to the mall and buy break open lottery tickets and he let me rip off the edges and we could split any money we won. He would buy me ice cream before supper and tell me not to tell Mammy. We would make cookies together and he would let me put anything i wanted in them, my favorite was blueberries. He laughed for ten minutes straight when I started putting my blueberries in our cookies but he still let me. I had my own apron that he would tie around my waist, and he would pull my hair back into a pony tail. When I was sick he would sit up with me until I fell asleep and made me home made cough medicine out of hot water and honey with lemon...and he would drop in a few blueberries just for me. In the morning I would join him in the arm chair and we would watch Breakfast TV and I would look at the comics on his lap. He would make us bacon and eggs and toast and I eould steal a piece of his bacon when I thought he wasn't looking, but he always knew. One year I faked sick on my birthday so I could spend it with him and they didn't have a cake so he put a candle in a joe louis and we laughed when I cut it into four pieces and gave him a "slice". I used to hold talk shows in the basement and I was the host and he was my guest, Mammy would call us and tell us it was lunch time and he would make me my favorite kind of soup. As I grew older I stopped faking sick so much, but on the rare occasion that I still was sick, he would thaw strawberries from the freezer for me and we would sit in the apartment in the basement and look at old pictures. Or we would go exploring in the storage room or the garage, grampy had the coolest stuff. I remember how proud of me he was when I graduated, and how it made me feel...it was the same feeling i got when I was four and handed him my first little league baseball card with my stats on it and everything. Or when he was feeling well enough to come watch me play hockey and I wanted to score a million goals for him. My grampy was tough, he once got thrown down a flight of stairs by one of his patients which rendered him a broken arm, but he still pinned the patient to the floor and managed to talk him down...my grampy has that way with people...he's a good talker... My grampy had been in remission for many years before the cancer came back. It makes him tired. It makes him tell me he loves me a lot more, and give me more hugs which scares me. This year he underwent a double by-pass surgery..and everyone in the family helped take care of him when he got home...everyone but me... When he needed me I couldn't be there. I pushed him away because I didn't want to be forced to face what was happening..that I might lose him. I saw him in the hospital and I froze. He was all hooked up to monitors and he wasn't allowed to wear his glasses yet. I am always able to put up a front and pretend everything is ok...but I couldn't...Kim did it for me...I just sat there and smiled and watched the monitors that were tracking his heart beating. I cried when I got home that night. Even now I see him and he hugs me and askes me how his girl is, I hug him back...but not too tight in case I hurt him...he still chases Jack around (even though it scares us all)...his second grandson...because I was the first...I was the first grand child to play ball in the back yard..to dig in the garden...I was his helper...his scallywag (look in the mirror he'd say)...I was his girl...I still am...but what happens if I go away, or if Kim goes away and something happens to him...what if something happens to me?..what if I don't make it back in time and I don't get to say goodbye to him and hug him and tell him I love him. He is my grampy, my hero, my friend.

A Vicious Cycle

I feel like Becky Bloomwood. I tell everyone what to do with their money and how to pay off all their bills and in the meantime I am sinking further and further into debt, because one more book or one more pair of shoes or one more necklace will make me happy...even for five minutes...and that five minutes is everything.
I know I shouldn't spend the money and I don't need another purse or two more cans of hairspray, but holding those bags in my hands make me feel like I HAVE something, that I am in control over my material possessions...because I have no idea what is going on in the other aspects of my life...but I have control over my closet, I have control over my make-up bag, and I have control over my bookcase. I need that feeling like an addict needs a drug. I need to feel needed and wanted. I hate that I need that, it makes me so mad at myself which just starts the cycle over...for five minutes of happiness.
I put a full pay cheque onto my visa bill today and it didn't even make a dent..not even a bit, and I know that high bill is the price I'm paying to feel in control. I need a second job but I feel like I don't have the energy for it. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like lying in my bed with the lights off just doing nothing.
Its times like this that I wish I were still in classes so I would have something to focus my mind on.

Even Mr.Feeny couldn't fix this one.