Old dream maker, you heartbreaker, wherever you're going I'm going your way...

Keep Your Chin Up And Your Skirt Down

2011-07-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

I read a book not too long ago called "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World". It made a lot of sense. Why bother being another one of the ditzy girls flashing their underwear at the bar. No one wants to bring those girls home to mom. I want to start my life, I've taken a few steps so far to get away from people and things that weren't exactly helping my cause. I'm not extremely happy right now but I'm happy, and that's saying something! I'm just ready for a job, or to go back to school, anything! Next step please!

This Is Why They Call It The Blues

2011-02-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't felt like this in a long time. Crushed. Crushed but so neutral that it doesn't seem normal. I don't feel like sleeping, eating, breathing or anything. I just want to talk but no one seems to have the time...or is awake for that matter. Does everyone turn their phone off at night or something? I always wake up when someone texts me just because they need to talk. Just a few short weeks ago I felt like my life had so much direction and I couldn't wait to move forward. Now I lie here wishing I could go back in time to when things were much easier. I need you. It fucking blows.

Routine

2010-12-17T13:49:00.000-08:00

God I hate going to the doctor. Might as well make me more anxious than I already am eh? I hate that things upset me, I absolutely hate it. I also hate that I can't tell anyone what it is that upsets me because its supposed to be fine. I just want to run far away by myself and not have to deal with anything. Honestly, who is as paranoid as I am? I won't even go to the mall anymore. I'm tired of it. I just want it to end. Fuck. Some people can be the biggest jerks.

I Close My Eyes And I'm Somewhere With You

2010-12-04T06:50:00.000-08:00

God I hate the holidays. Pretending that I'm excited when actually I'm begging God every day to get me through it alive. I can't help but run over and over in my mind the things I took for granted...should make for an interesting Valentines... two months and ten days until it's all over. This year I really will only be spending the day selling earrings to desperate men who left everything until the last minute. Fuck Chrismas is depressing. I'm really trying, I am, especially when it comes to leaving my little comfort zone, but we all saw how that turned out.

Dream Maker

2010-11-26T10:12:00.000-08:00

It frustrates me that I'm still having the dreams. Two days ago I woke up gasping for air because in my dream I was drowning and was slowly starting to slip away. I could see you standing there above the surface. Not helping, not heeding, just watching. I lied in bed trying to calm myself down, scrolling through my contacts to see if there was anyone who would talk to me in the middle of the night for a few minutes, but it was to no avail. So I closed my phone, and with it my spirit. I can't keep depriving myself of sleep just so I don't dream because then the day dreaming get worse. I guess I'm never going to win no matter what I do.

I Capture The Castle

2010-11-13T17:02:00.000-08:00

I'm scared that if I read it one more time the whole thing will fall apart. Sometimes I just hold it tightly and stroke the spine as if the loose pages will magically glue themselves back in. It seems like that is the only place I can go to get away. I can't get through a night without the dreams, it never fails, some a crippling, some only crippling when I wake up and realize that I had been dreaming the entire thing. I just want to do something meaningful with my life, I can't help myself so why not help others, but what do I have to offer? Not much obviously.

I'll Give You My Rookie Of DiMaggio

2010-11-08T20:08:00.000-08:00

It was a dark and rainy night, how cliche. I wind up side ways again and in my head I only hear one thing "Its ok babygirl, you're fine, it's ok, be careful, eyes on the road" if only you knew the rain had nothing on the tempest that is stirring inside of me. The only voice I hear to shake me back to focus is the one that causes me to drift off. Again tonight I look in the rearview and all I see is black, how fitting. So I spin my ring one more time and put my foot back on the accelerator, like it never happened.

"Know Everything. Red Flag Word: Everything"

2010-11-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

I'm not done yet. You haven't taught me everything. You haven't trained me to know what to do in this situation. Sure, I can calm an athlete down so they can focus with 30 seconds left in a tie game, but I'm the one with the panic attacks when I can't handle what is given to me. I can't handle this, you haven't taught me how to say no, how to get my feelings across to others, or how to deal with things without wishing I would hydroplane over the side of a guardrail so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I'm not ready. I need to feel like I'm a part of something again, I need to feel the support that comes with consistency.

Confessions of a Shoppaholic

2010-11-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

God now I know why it is so much easier to go buy something to calm myself down than to open up to people. I only end up getting shut down everytime. Not even important enough for my own family. I want to answer you so bad, and tell you everything on my mind. I know it won't matter though, nothing about me matters to you anymore. Guess I do deserve it... apparently my "stupid little blog" is the only thing I have to get me through. Sometimes I just need a hug, someone to tell me it will be ok. Apparently its not going to be ok.

Did I Shave My Legs For This...

2010-11-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ten years. That's how long we were inseparable for, ten years. Apparently three months trumps that in your books eh? Is it so difficult to pick up the god damn phone? Is it really that hard to send one text? I have been there for you through everything. Everything. Where are you now? Being stepped on by some jerk? I don't know who you are anymore. You have no idea how much my opinion of you has changed. You used to be on a pedistal and now I can't even imagine it. I guess we really as are different as everyone says. I stood behind you in any fight, I was always in your corner. Now you encourage others to ridicule me about things you know hurt? You used to know who I was. It never used to matter what I looked like, what I was wearing, or even if I had showered that day. Now I feel like some object that you feel the need to compare yourself to so others know you're nothing like me. I don't want to be like you.

Penny For My Thoughts, Oh No, I'll Sell Them For A Dollar...

2010-11-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

The drive doesn't have the same meaning anymore, now that I don't matter. I no longer feel the safest as soon as I pass the Britain rd and no longer feel my heart rate slowing to normal. We used to be so close and now I'm pushed aside like I meant nothing at all.

I only see blackness in the rearview mirror as each song preaches to me. The symbolism is outstanding. I don't know what I'm running from and I have nothing to run to. I can finally feel the aleve kicking in as I hit the rumble strips for the third time in ten minutes. My tire is almost all the way flat by this point by I have no motivation to get out, and don't feel like talking to anyone anyway.

I didn't plan it like this, not that any of my plans ever work out the way I want them to. Another reason not to go back to school I guess, all I feel is failure. Dad's last day was Friday, now I have him as a constant reminder of the importance of a university education, especially being a girl. All I need is someone to listen, to bounce ideas off of, anything. I can only walk the nature park so many times at night before my ability to reason with myself there wears off.

I'm trying to be happy and stay positive as I feel myself once again slipping into the darkness.

I Bet You Think I Planned This...

2010-10-31T12:20:00.000-07:00

Did you see the moon the other night? It was so bright it didn't seem real.I hope you saw. It reminded me of the first night out by the water, we talked about friends,family and the future. You told me about fishing and playing games. We stayed there until I was shivering so much it became pathetic. We were both wearing white. How fitting.

Would You Go With Me...

2010-09-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

I used to dream of being a parapsychologist. I even went so far as to looking up different universities that specialized in that field (New Mexico). I would spend my life traveling and ghost hunting and writing about everything I found so I could share it with those whose bookshelves were also lined with tales of the unexplainable. I find it odd that I have such a strong love for something that can't be explained, yet in all other aspects of my life I crave certainty...I know you would support me...maybe come on a few hunts with me. We'll see what the future holds seeing as how no one takes my first degree seriously, I might as well go crazy all the way.

Talent

2010-09-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a talent. I wish I danced well enough for the New York Ballet Company. I wish I ran fast enough for the Boston Marathon. I wish I sang well enough for the Top 40. I wish I was beautiful enough for the cover of Vogue. I wish I was creative enough to inspire thousands with a single painting. But I don't. I have scars on my legs because I don't play sports well enough, but I tried. I have a wobbly ankle from blocking the baseline. I have scars on my knuckles from bottled up anger...and one from a glue gun. I'm not smart enough for a scholarship, but they haven't kicked me out yet. I wish what I'm doing meant something to someone, because it means something to me. It amazes me how much getting a child involved in a physical activity and teaching them about living healthy and the confidence that arrives when they can do three more push ups than last month. I can help people. Instead I sell jewelry to pay for the debt that accumulates from the degree that means no one to anyone.

There You Go Making My Heart Beat Again

2010-09-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm surprised at my own frustration. I saw it coming, I told myself it would happen. But the surprise still set it. It just goes to show how much you can lie to yourself but on another level you know the truth. People never cease to amaze me.

Another Stop Sign

2010-08-12T19:29:00.000-07:00

I think there is one thing I hate more than snakes in life. It is feeling alone. No one to talk to...about anything...grampy needing another surgery...a movie I think looks funny...nothing. I used to value my quiet time so much, now it is quiet all the time and it makes me feel claustrophobic. I need to be around people but I don't want to see anyone, and I don't think people want to see me either. I hate waking up every morning and asking God to just please help me make it through one more day. One day and then another. But even God will leave eventually, just like everyone else.

Put Your Hands On My Shoulder..

2010-08-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

Some people drive because it gives them time to think, I drive because it doesn't require me to think if I don't want to. I just drive, around the next turn, over the next hill. The drive to the Welsford Irving and back gets shorter and shorter every time I find myself going around those too familiar curves. Sitting at the Nature Park at night makes me feel too lonely and forces me to face things. Driving doesn't force me to think anything or be anyone. I just wish I had someone to drive with...

Can't Find An Ounce Of Comfort On Your Breath...

2010-08-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

I hate feeling like a hypocrite when I pray, like I only ask for something when I'm in need and not when I'm thankful. I try but I guess it has been a while since I have been able to be thankful for something without wondering when I'm going to lose it. I'm tired of driving somewhere just to sit and cry so no one knows I'm upset. No one knows I'm there...then again no one seems to notice when I'm anywhere... I know it's horrible to think, but sometimes I wish Sid never left, I wish everything was the same... I miss being confident about everything. I wish my accomplishments were noticed, but they're not so why would I bother trying to succeed. I want out of here. I want to go somewhere that I can just be alone and not have to feel anything. Being numb is better than feeling like this.

You're A Warm Conversation, That I Wouldn't Miss For Nothing..

2010-08-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

My life has become surreal...but not in a good way. I feel like I'm going through the motions everyday but I'm not moving forward or getting anywhere. Nothing has changed. I want to laugh. I want to smile and actually mean it. I want to sit on The rock and watch the waves washing in and out. I want to know that my life has meaning and that I make a difference to someone. I want someone to care that I sit on the beach by myself at night, or walk home alone in the dark. I want it to matter when I have car trouble. I want my life to matter, maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a waste of space.

Cancer

2010-07-25T20:38:00.001-07:00

The six letter swear word. I don't see why some families, mine in particular, seem so plagued while others walk around oblivious to what it can do to a family unit. I hate being angry at things I can't control.

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now

2010-07-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

I didn't expect you to care, but I expected you to remember...Not that anyone else did either, not even my mother. Maybe I need to just take a cue from others and stop giving a fuck about myself. You always remember...and you calm me down...even when people are fucking idiots.

I can't believe I have spent so long rearranging my life so I can be close to you and the second I MIGHT be able to see you, you tell me you're fucking off a millon MORE miles away. It was supposed to be me and you against the world remember??? REMEMBER??? Now I'm lucky if you call once a week. Fuck you.

Speechless

2010-07-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

I can't get the words to the song out of my head. They repeat over and over until my temples are throbbing and I can't take it anymore. I am terrified to be in public places...what if I see something I can't handle? I would break down. To stop my hands from shaking I turn my ring around and around on my finger, everytime telling myself it will be ok. But its your voice not mine, because you know best. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work. I don't want to be home. I don't want to eat, sleep, or even breathe at times like this.

You leave me speechless.

"Make a Joyful Noise"

2010-07-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

I wish I felt like I was needed for something, by someone. I feel like the path I am currently on will lead me no where. I will have a piece of paper saying an I have an education, but it would be more effective in the form of a ball wadded up in the corner of my room than on my resume. I still don't matter. I hate how every song reminds me of everything going on. I should be happy, in the clear, almost ready to start my life no longer as a student, but I'm not. I'm tired of the nightmares, tired of reliving it every night. The lack of sleep gives me headaches through the day that no amount of Tylenol seems to extinguish. Being tired makes my heart palpitate, its a never ending cycle. I lied, its not on my chair...it is lying across my chest with the corner on my cheek like you know it is.

Sell Lots

2010-06-18T04:53:00.000-07:00

I'm so fucking frustrated. I just want to talk and I can't even do that. Because crying fixes it eh? FUCK!

Put It In A Love Song

2010-01-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

I feel really alone right now, alone, unneeded...unwanted I guess...I feel that the things I do are unimportant. I don't want to be how I was, I look back now and realize how stupid I was to have handled my feelings that way and I don't want to go down that road again....but then again sometimes I do...sometimes I don't care... I could dye my hair black again and get more tattoos...The pain in my chest and irregular heart beats have been starting up again...I can't deal with them if it is going to be happening every few hours. No one believes me, but I know something is wrong....I always know something is wrong when no one else does...I guess I hide my feelings well...

Black Sunday

2010-01-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

As much as I like to emphasize that I dislike February 14th...I'm realizing I'm spending it alone...not even a hug... Just five hours of selling earrings to desperate men who left things to the last minute...

Ghost House by Robert Frost

2009-12-27T15:28:00.000-08:00

I dwell in a lonely house I know
That vanished many a summer ago,
And left no trace but the cellar walls,
And a cellar in which the daylight falls,
And the purple-stemmed wild raspberries grow.

O'er ruined fences the grape-vines shield
The woods come back to the mowing field;
The orchard tree has grown one copse
Of new wood and old where the woodpecker chops;
The footpath down to the well is healed.

I dwell with a strangely aching heart
In that vanished abode there far apart
On that disused and forgotten road
That has no dust-bath now for the toad.
Night comes; the black bats tumble and dart;

The whippoorwill is coming to shout
And hush and cluck and flutter about:
I hear him begin far enough away
Full many a time to say his say
Before he arrives to say it out.

It is under the small, dim, summer star.
I know not who these mute folk are
Who share the unlit place with me--
Those stones out under the low-limbed tree
Doubtless bear names that the mosses mar.

They are tireless folk, but slow and sad,
Though two, close-keeping, are lass and lad,--
With none among them that ever sings,
And yet, in view of how many things,
As sweet companions as might be had.

I used to dream I could do something worth while, I could be or do something important like write a poem that would later be studied in schools or draw a picture that would be on the wall in a museum...now I've learned that I'm only a waste of time...and a waste of energy... Even when I sit home alone at night drinking cheap wine and being too embrassased to pick up the books I used to spend my time with.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep. -Robert Frost

2009-10-31T15:14:00.000-07:00

I was reminded the other day of why I used to have so many piercings, why I got addicted in the first place. When the steel is piercing you everything in your body focuses on that pain, you could say it is my runner's high. The one moment where my focus is on physical pain not emotional pain. You then have something to care for, something needs you. If you begin to hurt again then you can twist it and it will bleed and need you once more. It's times like these that I wish I had a child, unconditional love, a relationship without rejection. I need to feel needed like I need air. I need to hear that everything will be ok when I know that it won't be.
Poetry used to answer my questions. Now I don't even know how to formulate those questions. I know the miles of my life will be hard, I need support. I made this mess for myself. I need an education but I can't handle the workload. I feel like a failure, I'm not even valuable at work anymore,I don't make enough there so why do i stay there? When will I feel valuable again?

There's a long black train coming down the line feeding off the souls that are lost and crying..

2009-09-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm at a crossroads again and I don't know what to do with my life anymore. You would think I would be used to the pressure and demands that people put on me by now but I'm not. Instead I shut down and shut people out. I obsess over little details that I have to get done and spend more time on the little things and put off the large projects which ultimately screws me over.

At this crossroads in my soul I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions, an ongoing tug of war that never ends. Always tugging, always fighting to stay alive... I don't know why I always feel the need to impress everyone when being myself is enough for the people who love me...and I know that...they continually tell me that and I'm not sure why I don't believe it... I just always think I could be better and they would love me even more... I can't get songs out of my head for days...lines repeat over and over in my mind...it won't let me sleep for more than two hours at a time and the lack of sleep is takin its toll on me...making me cranky and I'm getting sick...I can't afford to get sick..I have too much to do and too much to worry about...two many people to disappoint to get sick I guess...would just be too easy.

Somedays I feel that I don't deserve any of the people who love me. I feel like they're all just waiting for me to disappoint them and I should just hurry up and get it over with...my degree program isn't good enough...my life isn't good enough...no matter what I do it's never good enough..

I want to scream and get everything out...if I thought any one would care enough to listen...I mean really listen not to the words that are coming out of my mouth, but the ones coming out of my soul.

Mystery at Lilac Inn

2009-09-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

I can't stress enough how important my privacy is to me. It frustrated me beyond means when someone repeatedly goes through my things or into my room when I have asked them not to, or asked them to please ask permission before borrowing my things, so when I'm looking for that item, I know that it's not washed and is lying on your bedroom floor. I'm getting so frustrated with my home life lately I want to move out but I don't make enough for an apartment and loan payments. I can hardly make the loan payments due to my low paying job. It used to be really fun...now fun really doesn't matter...I hate being in debt...I hate being here.. I just hate everything!

And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda...

2009-09-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

So I guess this is my version of the "Must Love Dogs" list, cliche I know but I am hoping it helps me to work out a lot of things in my head that no one else seems to be able to help me with, although I don't think it's their cross to carry;

-Must love country music and tolerate my music mood swings. Let me listen to my musical soundtracks, just hold my hand and shake your head.
-Open the door for me, but let me get it sometimes to, just reach out from behind me once I've opened it half way.
-INTRODUCE ME TO PEOPLE if we meet them even for a few minutes in a grocery aisle.
-Make me feel like you aren't ashamed to be with me, I don't want to make out in public but an arm around the shoulders or a hand on the small of my back goes a long way.
-Listen when I am talking.
-Give advice, fix my problems or at least talk with me until I think I've fixed them.
-Warn me if you see a movie or show with a "bad word" in it, or calm me down if I didn't see one coming.
-Tell me it will all be ok....a lot...and mean it
-Compliments go a long way.
-So do presents I have mentioned liking before the holiday has arrived...holidays aren't ALWAYS necessary.
-Don't talk down to me or swear at me.
-Don't make fun of me for making a mistake.
-Don't assume.
-Pay attention to what is going on in my life, it will help you to know what is wrong when I'm upset.
-Make the people who are important to me, important to you.
-Must love children, and want a family relatively soon.
-Must want to be married relatively soon, it is important to me.
-Don't suck up to my dad, but don't be afraid of him...he is important to me.
-Must hug my mom.
-Must tell me that there are things in my life I can't control but you promise it will all be ok and that you're there.
-BE THERE.
-Can't be scared to do stupid little things I want to do, like go to the zoo.
-Must tolerate my ghost shows, if you watch them with me, extra cuddling is involved seeing as how I'm a huge baby.
-Must rub my back once in a while, if I have to take medicine for it, then yes I'm in pain.
-Open the car door if you're on the same side as me only.
-Let me help build stuff..it is important to me.
-Must not smoke.
-If you're drinking it must be MODERATE. I can't drink as much as I used to because of how my heart reacts to the alcohol.
-Send me messages every once in a while to let me know you're thinking of me...not a text message...these messages don't have to be every day.. just once in a while.
-I don't like pop so don't order it for me.
-Let me order, but you should by now know what I am going to have or like anyway.
-I have many quirks, learn them.
-Flowers are cute, every once in a while, a carnation will only set you back a toonie.
-Make a CD or play list you know I will like every once in a while.
-Must wear undershirts.
-Must let me wear your sweaters.
-Must let me hold your pinkie in mine and not be afraid of looking like a loser.
-Must let me have my alone time when I ask for it, I understand you need some too.
-Must ask before making plans that involve me and not agree to things for me.
-Must understand the importance of a "top of the head" kiss, especially during a hug.
-Must be nice to my kitties.
-Must tell me when you don't like something, when it is happening, and why.
-Must not expect me to love ALL of your friends, we are different people and we like different friends.
-Must let me help cook. A hug from behind goes a long way, let your hand trail across my back when you step to the side.
-Must let me fall asleep when I'm tired and we're watching, pull the blanket over my shoulder (not too high) and hold me.
-If I say I'm not feeling well lately...I mean it...ask if there is something you can do to make me feel a little better.
-If you like something I have on, tell me, I tend to wear those things more often.
-Laugh with me. Over anything. Laugh.
-Treat me like YOUR baby, not like A baby.
-Must answer your phone when I am having an anxiety attack, I wouldn't call you at 4 am if nothing is wrong, even if I say nothing is wrong, something is wrong.
-If we are renting a movie and I say it doesn't matter to me, it doesn't, I don't like making decisions so choose, if I don't want to see it, I will tell you.
-If I chose a movie or a so called "chick flick" that I really want to see, suck it up, there might be something in it for you.
-DO NOT put your arm around me in the theatre, it hurts my back.

I should probably stop now seeing as how I look insanely anal and crazy. This seemed a lot easier on the movie. I like movies. I must seem like a horribly critical person...I just thought they were little things...little things mean everything to me...they show me someone cares...like when Maggie wears the necklace I bought her when we are together even though she doesn't usually wear jewelry...She knows it means a lot to me, and that means a lot to her.

If I Could Change The World, I Would Be The Sunlight In Your Universe - Eric Clapton

-LJ

There's a place I go in my head sometimes...

2009-08-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be walking down the road and suddenly be hit by a Mack truck coming 100 mph the other way? Have you ever hoped for it? I have. To be spread over the road like interstate jam. Gone. No more choices, no more pain, no more sorrow, no more aching, sounds like a deal to me.

I feel more small and insignificant now than I ever have before in my life. I don't write, eat only when I have to... trying to block the thoughts that are never ending from creeping into my mind over and over... like a broken film reel that won't stop playing the same movie... I can't read... I can't sleep... I can't even talk to the people I used to be able to lean on... because they're not anchored to the ground where they used to be... they grew wings while I was still trying to balance on one leg... I used to think about what it would be like to have those wings...freedom... no choices to be made... you know what you are, who you are, and what your purpose is in this world. Sometimes I feel like I have no purpose...a lot of the time... I feel like I'm merely here for decoration... for other people to kick around until they find a new shiny toy to play with... temporary... replaceable...

My Hero

2009-07-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

In elementary school I had to write a paper about the oldest person I knew, I chose my grampy, he was the tallest man I could think of with the whitest hair, and he needed to wear glasses and fell asleep in his arm chair a lot, so I thought he must have been ancient. I wrote about how my grampy volunteered for meals on wheels, bringing food to people who had no families to take care of them. I wrote about how he was mad Grand Knight of his Knights of Colombus council, the same council who later sponsored me in hockey and gave me scholarships in university. I wrote about how he volunteered to build and run camps for kids with cancer and make their lives happier. I wrote about how many brothers and sisters he had and where he grew up. I wrote about how he liked to bowl and play cards with his brothers and how his name was on the wall at the west side bowlarama for having such a high score.

What I didn't write about was how much my grampy loves me, and how scared I am to lose him. I didn't write about how much he gives to others, taking some of his CentraCare patients out with him on errands so they didn't have to be confined to white walls all the time. How he tried so hard to touch the heart of every child with cancer who came through the doors of the camp, he made them smile with his smile and hid his own battle with cancer from them. I didn't write about how many times he volunteered at Lancaster Mall to play Santa and let little kids sit on his knee and tell them what they wanted for Christmas. I didn't write about how I used to fake sick from school so I could spend extra time with him, we would go to the mall and buy break open lottery tickets and he let me rip off the edges and we could split any money we won. He would buy me ice cream before supper and tell me not to tell Mammy. We would make cookies together and he would let me put anything i wanted in them, my favorite was blueberries. He laughed for ten minutes straight when I started putting my blueberries in our cookies but he still let me. I had my own apron that he would tie around my waist, and he would pull my hair back into a pony tail. When I was sick he would sit up with me until I fell asleep and made me home made cough medicine out of hot water and honey with lemon...and he would drop in a few blueberries just for me. In the morning I would join him in the arm chair and we would watch Breakfast TV and I would look at the comics on his lap. He would make us bacon and eggs and toast and I eould steal a piece of his bacon when I thought he wasn't looking, but he always knew. One year I faked sick on my birthday so I could spend it with him and they didn't have a cake so he put a candle in a joe louis and we laughed when I cut it into four pieces and gave him a "slice". I used to hold talk shows in the basement and I was the host and he was my guest, Mammy would call us and tell us it was lunch time and he would make me my favorite kind of soup. As I grew older I stopped faking sick so much, but on the rare occasion that I still was sick, he would thaw strawberries from the freezer for me and we would sit in the apartment in the basement and look at old pictures. Or we would go exploring in the storage room or the garage, grampy had the coolest stuff. I remember how proud of me he was when I graduated, and how it made me feel...it was the same feeling i got when I was four and handed him my first little league baseball card with my stats on it and everything. Or when he was feeling well enough to come watch me play hockey and I wanted to score a million goals for him. My grampy was tough, he once got thrown down a flight of stairs by one of his patients which rendered him a broken arm, but he still pinned the patient to the floor and managed to talk him down...my grampy has that way with people...he's a good talker... My grampy had been in remission for many years before the cancer came back. It makes him tired. It makes him tell me he loves me a lot more, and give me more hugs which scares me. This year he underwent a double by-pass surgery..and everyone in the family helped take care of him when he got home...everyone but me... When he needed me I couldn't be there. I pushed him away because I didn't want to be forced to face what was happening..that I might lose him. I saw him in the hospital and I froze. He was all hooked up to monitors and he wasn't allowed to wear his glasses yet. I am always able to put up a front and pretend everything is ok...but I couldn't...Kim did it for me...I just sat there and smiled and watched the monitors that were tracking his heart beating. I cried when I got home that night. Even now I see him and he hugs me and askes me how his girl is, I hug him back...but not too tight in case I hurt him...he still chases Jack around (even though it scares us all)...his second grandson...because I was the first...I was the first grand child to play ball in the back yard..to dig in the garden...I was his helper...his scallywag (look in the mirror he'd say)...I was his girl...I still am...but what happens if I go away, or if Kim goes away and something happens to him...what if something happens to me?..what if I don't make it back in time and I don't get to say goodbye to him and hug him and tell him I love him. He is my grampy, my hero, my friend.

A Vicious Cycle

2009-07-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

I feel like Becky Bloomwood. I tell everyone what to do with their money and how to pay off all their bills and in the meantime I am sinking further and further into debt, because one more book or one more pair of shoes or one more necklace will make me happy...even for five minutes...and that five minutes is everything.
I know I shouldn't spend the money and I don't need another purse or two more cans of hairspray, but holding those bags in my hands make me feel like I HAVE something, that I am in control over my material possessions...because I have no idea what is going on in the other aspects of my life...but I have control over my closet, I have control over my make-up bag, and I have control over my bookcase. I need that feeling like an addict needs a drug. I need to feel needed and wanted. I hate that I need that, it makes me so mad at myself which just starts the cycle over...for five minutes of happiness.
I put a full pay cheque onto my visa bill today and it didn't even make a dent..not even a bit, and I know that high bill is the price I'm paying to feel in control. I need a second job but I feel like I don't have the energy for it. I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like lying in my bed with the lights off just doing nothing.
Its times like this that I wish I were still in classes so I would have something to focus my mind on.

Even Mr.Feeny couldn't fix this one.

What I Used To Think...

2009-06-14T18:56:00.000-07:00

I used to think I would become a writer, or a journalist...and I would inspire people with my words and with the feeling I put into them. I used to think I would write books about romance and mysteries and adventures, books about heartache and about love found, books about dying and about new beginnings.I would change lives in the way that other authors have changed mine, and people would feel as if I were their friend, and I always knew what to say. I used to think I would become a writer.

I used to think that life was fair...I thought that money would always be there when you needed it, that your pets never die and that everyone is healthy. I used to think that people never drift apart after being friends for 18 years, that the VCR would never eat up your favorite movie and that people only died of old age. I used to think that no one would hurt anyone else on purpose, and wars were only for undeveloped countries. I used to think that life was fair.

I used to think my dad could fix everything...every skinned knee, every broken heart, every failed class, every car accident. He would be there with outstretched arms... with a bandaid, with words of wisdom, with kleenex and with hope. He would tell me that it would be ok, and he would fix everything and my world would be ok again. He wouldn't yell when my room was messy, or if I left my dishes in the sink, or when I was scared of a bug in the hallway. I used to think my dad could fix everything.

I used to think school was easy...the numbers always add up to the right answer, the words always flowed in the right order, the passing grades were always there. Tuition was not thousands of dollars that left you wondering if you could afford to attend the next year, and you didn't decide what you had to take, everyone learned the same things. Your teachers understood when you were sick and always remember you when you came back to visit them a few years later. I used to think school was easy.

I used to think my friends would always be there...through every smile, every tear, every sigh, every joke, every insult. They would lean on you and you would lean on them and the bond you had together would never be broken. When you were hurt they would be at your side day and night, making everything ok and making you forget about your troubles, they would not be out at a bar getting drunk every weekend and going home with people they don't know. I used to think my friends would always be there.

I used to think doctors could always make you better... they would have an answer, they would have the cure, and they would give you a sucker when you were brave. They would give you banana medicine and put you on the B.R.A.T diet when you were sick, and they would not order numerous blood tests and medical procedures that make you scared and wish you were home in your bed hiding under the covers. I used to think doctors could always make you better.

I used to think my blanket could make my worries go away. Shopping could cure any anxiety I had,a new shirt or bracelet would fix every problem. The calendar would go slow enough for me to live every day to the fullest but fast enough that I didn't get bored. I used to think that love happens like it does in Disney movies, and always lasts forever. Parents never fought and families got along. Books could bring you away to a world far away from your own, but close enough that you could still come home for the grilled cheese sandwich your mom made you for lunch. I used to think I would have someone to talk to instead of pouring my feelings onto a screen. Laughter heals all wounds and ice cream dries tears. I used to think people weren't so materialistic, shallow, and hurtful. I used to think there was no greater joy than when your dad brought you a popsicle after you had been running through the sprinkler all day. I used to think that people genuinely cared about others. I used to think my parents were always right. I used to think my grandparents were my biggest supporters and would love me no matter what. I used to think gremlins lived under my stairs and that they would grab my feet if I didn't run up them real fast. I used to think I knew who I was and who I wanted to be in life and also what it would take to get there. I used to think a lot of things...

I thought wrong.

You've Got A Friend In Me...

2009-05-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't slept more than 2 and a half hours a night since the fight. Today I have eaten a half a muffin all day. I don't know what it is about being upset that causes our bodies to shut down and reject the things we need because our souls are being deprived of what THEY need. I feel like I have lost the biggest support system I have ever had, the one that knew everything would be ok and knew how to fix it. Knew how to make me sleep, knew how to get me to eat and knew how to make me stop crying. No amount of beers bought by friends are going to get that back. I know that this is what he wants and I am angry that I am so upset by it.
I'm angry that I resent my other friends and family for not noticing when I am hurting. I'm angry that I am scared to go anywhere at all. I'm angry that I'm scared to sign online incase he sees me and remembers that he hasn't deleted me yet... I'm angry that I have no one to talk to anymore, about anything. Just a talk. I don't need advice because I know everything will work out in the end, but when i am at the end of my rope I need that person to tell me to tie a knot and hang in there. I really don't feel like hanging in there anymore. My marks are dropping fast and I really don't care about school anymore. I don't want to be in school anymore. I am so proud of him for graduating and never got to tell him. I'm too scared to text incase I make him even more mad.
I'm angry that I can't stop talking about it, can't stop thinking about it. I'm angry that Dan doesn't come visit me anymore and tell me everything is fine. I'm angry at all the opinions I keep getting about what is going on. I'm angry that I'm hurting someone else when I am hurting. I am angry that people think pumping alcohol into me will fix it when I know where I need to go, but I am scared he will be there. I am angry that I am scared of that.
I'm angry that I have no one to talk to when I need them, and everyone to talk to when things are fine.
I'm angry that my stomach drops whenever my phone goes off or whenever I need to check my email. I am angry.

Tears On My Pillow Once Again..

2009-05-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

I feel more upset now than ever. One of my best friends doesn't want to have anything to do with any part of my life. I have no one to talk to, everyone is too busy. I can't even believe how angry he is and how much I miss having him to talk to and laugh with and go for walks with. He doesn't care what happens to me and thinks I don't care what happens to him. My tears don't phase him anymore like they should to a friend. Maggie is so busy with RCMP, Tyler is so busy with the farm and the house, Ethan is so busy with work. I have no one now. I'm by myself and they don't care.. I'm starting not to care about the increasing swelling and pain in my foot, I don't care about my school work. I can't believe I let things get this bad..Everything is always my fault.

Under Pressure

2009-04-30T18:49:00.000-07:00

I feel so much pressure from everyone around me, pressure to do better, to be better, to make more money, to be more social, to hang out more. I can't take it, It makes me want to scream. By acting this way I'm losing friends that are close to me, along with the friends I've already lost. I feel like I can never please everyone no matter what I do, I can't make anyone happy. I can't even make myself happy. I don't know how to make myself happy anymore. I miss that feeling. The feeling of safety, or comfort, of knowing what will happen. I contradict myself so much, I want freedom but I want to feel safe. I need my space so much, but I need to feel needed. I hate who I am now and so does everyone else. I don't know how to be the person everyone wants me to be. The choice I need to make, I'm not even sure will make me happy anymore, I'm so scared. I just want to be by myself, I want to lie in bed and watch disney movies and have maggie tell me everything will be ok. But I don't know that it will be, I don't see how it could ever be ok again with the way I have messed everything up. I don't want anyone to feel what I feel like right now.

LJ

Where you lead, I will follow..

2009-04-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

I'm so frustrated with everythng that has been going on with my life right now. I feel like I'm slipping back into that hole of no control.
People ask why I still give M the time of day, because he does still care about me, he knows everything about me, and he is still a really important person in my life. I hate losing friends, it kills me, it also kills me to know that I have caused someone so close to me to hurt even half of how much I have hurt in the past.
I hate that M thinks T is just how he used to be before we were together, it scares me. I'm scared of being hurt again. The rest of my friends think he is a great guy, and so do I, the best even. But that doesn't stop me from being scared. Scared of what could happen if something goes wrong, I would have no one to turn too. M says I can't run to E for everything. But he always keeps me safe, he is my best friend and my protector, but I REALLY couldn't run to him out there...
I hate that E's girlfriend thinks we're more than just friends. I realize he is a guy, but it just wierds me out thinking of him in any other light than just that of our friendship. E thinks T is a great guy for me.
I'm scared. I'm more scared than I would be if I had to do this on my own. I can be strong on my own. I hate that I don't know what I'm scared of. I hate that I can't sleep without the TV on lately because I'm terrified of what could get me with the lights off, which I think could be an unconscious metaphor for being scared of not knowing what will happen in my life, what will I do? Who will I be? I'm scared that God will give up on my like I have given up on him before in times of hardship.

LJ <3
"For every man shall bear his own burden" Galatians 6:5

I Wish I Knew Where Cory Is...

2009-03-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

I said in my last post of my old blog "Here ends the heart ache" but just the opposite has happened. I always wished that we were born knowing who we were supposed to be with in life, and then we spend our time searching for that person. I messed up big time. I headed out west to be with tyler, but before I left I met matt...we hung out and i told him we couldn't be together, then I get out west and tyler doesn't ask me out and doesn't seem to want to get serious, matt is still serious the whole time and i begin to miss home...and him. I get home and agree to be with matt and tyler calls me crazy and says he still likes me. With matt everything is comfortable, its safe, its predictable. Everyone is happy that I am home again. With tyler everything is new, everything is exciting, I never know what is going to happen, and I am happy because I am not home and have new founded independence. Now I am going to lose both of them if I don't make up my mind. I hate the person I have become, I have always hated people who were not FULLY loyal to their partners. I just wish I was completely sure of who that partner is meant to be. I make everyone feel horrible because I feel so horrible inside. It feels like I can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe, can't think, can't do anything right at all... It feels like I want to rip my heart out so I can't feel anymore pain. I said before that I couldn't make a decision to save my life, and I guess I was right...because right now I wish my life would end so I wouldn't have to pick, I hate knowing they would both step down if they knew how I felt, just so I wouldn't hurt anymore and would be with the other person, but then I would lose them both at the same time. What do I do? Who am I now? What am I now? Because I know I'm not me, I'm too bitter to be me. I used to be so happy, I used to laugh all the time. I used to drive with the window down and sing at the top of my lungs and not care who heard me. I used to do anything for a friend. I wish I didn't always mess everything up. I wish I could rely on myself. I wish I could make decisions. I wish I ate more meat like tyler said. I wish I ate more vegetables like matt said. I wish I liked being in this house. I wish I still had my independence. I wish I didn't lose so many friends. I wish I didn't have freckles. I wish my teeth were pretty. I wish I didn't have these scars. I wish I didn't feel like making more. I wish sean wasn't such a douche bag. I wish my best friends weren't biased. I wish I could still write like I used to. I wish I had time to read. I wish I did better in school. I wish someone would depend on me. All I want is to be wanted in return, to be needed.

Promises, Promises...

2008-11-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

I once quoted Thomas Wolfe in joy of leaving the place I live. I have made mistakes in my life and I have made good choices. The lines between the two have become increasingly grey these past 3 months. I'm beginning to regret my choice to leave here half way through my year. I feel like I have failed not only myself but those around me. There's a mouse in my house. I know that when I arrive home it will not be the same, nothing can ever stay the same, everything changes. I go home to a life of safety and security. A good life none the less, but will going home give me the future I have dreamed of for many years? The house, the family, the dog lying on the front steps, my husband who works with his hands to create the life we lead. I do not want simple, I do not want hard. I simply want. I want to be more than others were before me, but my definition of more might not be the same as that of others. I want to wake up each morning and be happy another day has arrived. I do not want the sound of police sirens to wake me up at 3 a.m. when another robbery is occurring on the street of my busy city. I love the city, but I can only take so much of it. I have realized upon reading back over my past posts that it is the atmosphere of the market that I love so dearly, not the location of it. That it is the smell of the salty air of nature's tears that I love, not its bed. I have confused myself with nightmares of choosing the wrong path in my life over and over again. I don't know if I am strong enough to say no when I need to, or have enough wisdom to say yes when my door is opened. Is returning home a mistake? Will I just long for the Independence that I have now? Or will I be happy? Nothing stays the same.

Someday We'll Know...

2008-11-05T17:40:00.000-08:00

I never meant for any of this to happen. I had fully intended to come out here and have the time of my life and be with T, whom I thought was the sweetest guy ever...and just might be, I value honesty a lot. It turns out that a lot can change when someone is there for you when you need them, this is where M comes in. I tried to push him away over and over and it never seemed to work. Then something happened and I finally needed someone to depend on and he didn't leave or make me feel like I was alone the entire time.
Its hard being on your own, not having someone you trust that you can go to. Not being able to cry because there is a stranger in your room. Its hard when you're aching for someone to sit with you in silence knowing that it's ok that you're not saying anything, its comfortable. The only shoulder I have to lean on is my own.
I still feel empty some days. Days that I wake up and want to roll down my window and smell the harbour as I'm crossing the bridge. Days that I want to take a book to the nature park on my lunch break. Days that I want to walk the aisles of the market and see what the vendors have to sell. Days I'm in a rush and complain about tourists get in my way. Days that I want to grab an apple cider from Java Moose. Have a donair at KOD. I miss driving an hour to get the best seafood around, even though it was pulled out of the harbour in my home town.
I miss the port city and everything about it...

LJ <3

She's "I can't find a thing to wear", now and then she's moody...

2008-09-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

I feel alone amongst a crowd of my peers. Everywhere I go now I'm alone. I feel like a failure saying that I want to go home at christmas time but I know it would all be for the best. I came out here looking for an adventure but all I found was that my ties to home were stronger than what I had believed. You can't have roots and wings. I have discovered that my home is my HOME. Its where I belong and where I need to be. I feel like I have let people down by coming out here but will be letting others down if I go home. I know I can't make everyone happy but I wish I could. I hate it when people tell me that the only important thing is that I'm happy, I'm only happy when the people around me are happy. *Sigh* St.Mary's is so much closer to home and so much closer to where I want to be. While I am there, if I fall there will be someone to catch me, unlike here where I have to stagger on by myself with bloody knees. I'm alone in a room with two strangers sleeping in the bed next to mine, I want to scream at them to get out. I want to scream a lot. I like to read, reading takes me off to a place that isn't here, it clears my head. I need to be home but I don't want to let people down. God I wish I just knew the right thing to do, I thought that this was the path I was supposed to follow, but I'm scared and I want out. I want to be at home. I hate the feeling that my head is going to explode..having no one to talk to. I have friends here..but they're not my friends, they're not Maggie who will kick in windsheilds with me, or Cristy who will bring me food when I'm sick, or Caroline who will make me laugh when I am finding it hard to smile, or Sarah who will always be my shoulder to cry on, or Ethan who will make sure I get my weekly reminder that I am just one of the boys, or Matt who would do anything in the world just to see me smiling. They're not dad who will buy peach juice just because I like it, or Mom who will suprise me with a book under my pillow when she sees I'm reading heidi for the millionth time. I miss everything about the life I have out east. Thats where I belong.

Broken hearted,
LJ

Not Going Home Is Already Like Death- E.Catherine Tobler

2008-08-31T20:36:00.000-07:00

I wish I could lay my head down on the desk and cry, I wish my tears would was away heartache, sadness, despair and loneliness. I wish my tears would join as one and fill the empty cavity residing within my chest, within my soul... I don't understand how Thomas Wolfe could have stated that one couldn't go home again, if home is where the heart is...then wouldn't over half the world be homeless? I am small and insignificant in the theatrical performance we know as life...my name is not surrounded my lights. Esse Quam Videri...how? This blog is as scatter as my thoughts, my heart, my sanity.

Yours forever, with teary eyes
<3LJ

There is no fear in love;but perfect love casteth out fear.
1 John 4:18

I wasted time, Now time doth waste me - WS

2008-06-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

It seems like everything is coming together so fast, almost too good to be true. So by now I have been accepted to U of M, flights will be booked on monday, and before I know it, Shrek and Donkey will be off on another whirlwind adventure. And yet I am still bombarded with questions of "why manitoba?" i feel like just screaming back "because I fucking said so, thats why", I suppose shakespeare would have been a bit more politically correct with something like "I am not bound to please thee with my answers". I am both nervous and excited. Both happy and sad. Happy to be getting out of here, sad to be leaving. I thought leaving would be my chance to start over, but who I have been has made me who I am now and there are few things I am ashamed of. I just can't believe that in 64 days I'll be half way across the country!!

<3 LJ

Hank is a cats name.

"Thomas Wolfe Once Said 'You Can't Go Home Again..'"

2008-06-10T20:41:00.000-07:00

I's so sick with fighting with everyone over going away. I don't even know if I;m even accepted yet and everyone is against it. Do they seriously not think I'll be able to make it on my own? Isn't that why I should go? To force myself into making my own decisions and doing things for myself. Everyone keeps saying I won't like it and that I'll be making a mistake, who are they to tell me what I will and will not like and if it does turn out to be a mistake, then it's my mistake to make.

I hate being on a constant schedule, work and outings all written neatly in my day planner, what kind of fucking 18 year old have a day planner? I can't wait to get away from here. The only people I have to miss seem to be enjoying themselves without me already so their lives won't be too altered by the change, it gets frustrating, but I guess it just helps me to realize that there isn't much left for me here, so I have to start looking sometime...

<3"Theres a mouse in my house"

"And they asked her why she had chosen to move to New York, and she replied "to fall in love"."

Yet Another Random Survey

2008-03-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

*45 of the most random things you probably never needed to know about someone*
whats your name spelt backwards?:	nyrhtak
What did you do last night?:	talked to tyler
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?:	a microsoft converter
Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?:	negative
Last time you swam in a pool?:	in the summer
What are you wearing?:	jeans and a blue top
How many cars have you owned?:	two personally
Type of music you dislike most?:	that cha cha slide shit
Are you registered to vote?:	i believe so
Do you have cable?:	yes
What kind of computer do you use?:	a dell
Ever made a prank phone call?:	who hasn't
You like anyone right now?:	i believe so
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?:	sky diving probably
Furthest place you ever traveled?:	florida
What's your favorite comic strip?:	bizarro
Do u know all the words to the national anthem?:	yes, in english and in french
Shower, morning or night?:	morning but sometimes night too
Best movie you've seen in the past month?:	Knight Rider haha
Favorite pizza toppings?:	pepperoni and cheese
Chips or popcorn?:	either or
What cell phone provider do you have?:	aliant
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?:	haha no
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?:	negative
Orange Juice or apple?:	apple
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?:	Janessa, Mark, Sarah, Angela, McLovin and some guy
favorite chocolate bar?:	reese's peanut butter cups
Who is your longest friend and how long?:	Kaylee Braydon, 19 years
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?:	i don't like tomatoes
Have you ever won a trophy?:	i have won many
Favorite arcade game?:	mario
Ever ordered from an infomercial?:	negative
Sprite or 7-UP?:	Sprite I suppose
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?:	haha negative
Last thing you bought at Walgreens?:	ummm tylenol probably
Ever thrown up in public?:	yeah...not cool
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?:	can i have both
Do you believe in love at first sight?:	no
SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?:	neither haha
Did you have long hair as a young kid?:	not too long no
What message is on your voicemail machine?:	my moms voice haha
Where would you like to go right now?:	manitoba<3
Whats the name of your pet?:	Molly and Lola (scrolly and fatty)
What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?:	it's a laptop bag..my laptop and clipboard
What do you think about most?:	<3 haha
Take this survey \| Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

We're All Looking For Love And Meaning In Our Lives; We Follow The Roads That Lead Us, To Drugs Or Jesus

2008-02-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

So black thursday has passed and I have gritted my teeth through it alone for another year. One year ago today I ordered my prom dress,go figure. I spent the day, waking up at 6:30, classes, hung out with 5 guys...none of whom are remotely interested in me or vice versa, then worked with R and W...the worst work combo. Luckily I had a cute boy texting me through the day ;) (Haha, there's your shout out hun). God love ya , you're adorable.
On a positive note, I talked to A today!! First time since like Christmas break lol, his girlfriend isn't a huge fan of our friendship but whatev. Really this post isn't very productive since it is evident in my diction that I'm not in a very literary mood. I think I'll go play more Super Mario online. Peace<3

Personality Survey

2008-01-30T20:07:00.001-08:00

*Lame-Stupid-Random Survey*
Basics
Name::	LJ<3
Birthplace::	Saint Jiggy a.k.a The Dirty J
Birthdate::	12/12/89
Current City of Residence::	The Gee Bee Dubya
Family Members::	yes
Favorites
Color::	green
Beverage::	peach juice
Movie::	the dead poet's society
Musical::	hairspray, grease
Board Game::	clue!
Computer Game::	the sims 2 lol
Game to Roleplay::	wtf? charades?
Animal::	north american house hippo
Sport::	rugby/hockey/softball
Book::	I Capture The Castle-Dodie Smith
A Day In The Life..
School::	You En Bee Saint Jiggy
Typical Mood::	neutral
Usually Found?::	dressing men who cannot dress themselves
Collects::	souls...kidding
Have You Ever
Been kissed::	Cheaaaa
Done drugs::	pos
Eaten an entire box of Oreos:	neg
Eaten sushi::	pos
Been on stage::	pos
Been in a car accident::	pretty effing close!
This or That
Cold or Hot::	cool
Blue or Red::	blue
Rain or Snow::	snow
Wool or Cotton::	cotton
Private or Public School::	ummm i think my school is private
Chocolate or Plain Milk::	if plain means white...
Celsius or Farenheit::	celsius!!
Spring or Fall::	fall
Science or History::	neither
Math or English::	english
"Love Life"
Do you like somebody?::	A bit
Do they know?::	I assume so
Do you want them?::	Indeed
Are they hot?::	I tend to think so
Random
Who do you e-mail the most?:	Mom at work
Who do you IM the most?:	Sean or Ethan, but replace "IM" with text
Who are you talking to now?::	Shen and Tyler
Are you currently in love?::	love is for L 7 weenies
Is this survey lame?::	neg
Isn't bzoink! nifty? =) ::	oh just the niftiest
In 24 hours have you...
...Showered?::	indeed
...Had a serious talk?::	cheaaa
...Hugged someone?::	Matt at work ahah if you call that a hug
...Gotten along with your parents?::	My mom yeah
...Fought with a friend?::	umm I don't think so, Ethan probably got mad at me though
...Done something kind for someone?:	I am always kind to people
Do You Like To...
Give hugs?::	indeed
Give back rubs?::	to select few
Take walks in the rain?::	in the summer only lol
Cook?::	i prefer to bake
Eat?::	HECK YES
Sleep?::	like there is no tomorrow
Who..?
..Knows you the best?::	Sean, Ethan, Andrew or Cristy
..Have you known the longest?::	Kaylee
..Do you know the most about?::	ummm Maggie?
..Do you consider your friend?::	the people i talk to?
..Is most likely to end up in jail?::	Little Nick<3 or Kent haha definatly Kent
..Can you go to with your problems?::	Ethan mostly
..Do you want to get to know better?::	lost of people!
..Do you spend the most time with?::	Ethan haha even though he has a girlfriend, he sees me more than her
Have You...
..Been to a concert?::	yes i have!!
..Loved someone so much it made you cry?::	yeah:(
..Cheated on a test?::	who hasn't
..Ever stalked someone?::	lol yess
..Done something you regret?::	does waking up everyday count?
..Been in an online relationship?::	neg, thats kinda weird
Random Questions
Single or Hooked?::	Single
What is your worst habit?::	umm talking too much
Scariest moment?::	when the snake went over my foot:(
Do you swear too much?::	yeahhhh
How do you feel about homosexuality?::	whatever blows your dress up
Where are you right now?::	in my bed
Are you sitting by anyone?::	treestump
What song are you listening to?::	"My Next Life"
What is the last thing you said?::	"k"?
What's on your mousepad?::	nothing, its a laptop
What are the last four digits of your phone number?::	cell-8590 house-3268
What was the last thing you ate?::	a donair
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?::	black with silver sparkles<3 lol cristy
How many buddies do you have on your list?::	i don't wanna add lol but a lot
What's the weather like right now?::	rainy and windy
What do you feel like doing?::	going out
What is your favorite quote?::	everybody wang chung tonight...jk
Take this survey \| Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

Yes I Realize It Is Not Monday

2008-01-29T05:34:00.000-08:00

The Monday Melee

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.
-People who blow people off and make them feel unimportant.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
-The myth that "hard work always pays off", you work hard and thats it, there is no pay-off.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
-How I'm feeling at the moment, I don't enjoy being a Negative Nancy, but hey if the shoe fits...

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
-L for putting with with R when I want to shoot him in the face all the time.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
My legs, yet again. Thats pretty much all I have going for me.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
-The usual, and of course lots and lots of Canadian dollars.

The Lord Giveth, And The Lord He Taketh Away

2008-01-20T15:46:00.000-08:00

I'm not a huge religious person but I have throughly enjoyed the titles of my last two posts. So S and I didn't hang out that day (boo!) but we're supposed to hang out this week, I am beyond the point where I really care anymore. I've been spending time working, sleeping, watching musicals and having dreams about Zac Efron (yeah thats right). I have 3 assignments due for my Intro to the Sociology of Sports class and as of now I have one done (yay me!) the others are due friday and in March so I think I'll be ok on those. For the assignment I have finished, we had to pick a sports movie and write a summary and a review/critique on it, I chose Dirty Dancing which I found hilarious because apparently dancing is a sport now. Also I am almost caught up with all of my reading for my courses except for psych but I'm not going to do that anyway. I'm friggin exhausted. I'm going to go watch another musical and maybe read before bed. Payce.

I Asketh, And The Lord, He Reply

2008-01-16T18:09:00.000-08:00

WWWWWOOOOO I just went online to check my financial balance for university seeing as how tuition is due friday and my money is on hold from the bank. Turns out my $2,000 grant from the government went through and now I only owe less than $300!! Bangor for me this year! Now lets see what we can do on the romantic front...haha. S and I didn't get to hang out tuesday 'cause he had to take his grandmother to the hospital and they kept her 5 hours longer than expected (She is ok though). So now we're hanging out on friday, not use getting hopes up though. Speaking of boys, I got crept on hard-core tuesday, it was bad, and I also have a test and presentation tomorrow. Boo school, but yay lack of expense.

Like Rock And Roll Without A Drummer

2008-01-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling very neutral with a slight lean towards the blahh side today. I'm not enjoying the attendance mandatory 8:30am classes I am taking. It's wearing me out. Luckily now that the Christmas rush is over I don't have to work as much. I only have two stitches left in my mouth from getting my wisdom teeth out (yay me!). So tonight I bought razors and shaving cream and a facemask and candy so I can take a bath tonight to lighten my mood. I don't know if it'll work. I have been texting S since like 1pm today so thats over 8 hours. I think its stopped now. He pisses me off so much sometimes but I've gotten used to just rolling with it. I'm going over tomorrow but as always, who knows how thats going to go. I'm also pissed off 'cause I had a fish burger instead of chicken tonight for supper and it was all stuck in my teeth and icky. Well I should probably go get some reading done and take my bath. Wish me luck. Peace.

The Monday Melee

2008-01-14T15:42:00.000-08:00

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.
People who look down on other people and racists. They make me wanna smacka bitch.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
Just people who put on that fake happy front, they also make me wanna smacka bitch.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
The cost of a university education in New Brunswick. Clearly I am trying to get an education so I can get a good job and make money, but it is kinda hard to be excited about your new salary when you are 30 grand in the hole.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
I give actors/actresses credit for what they do. I have horrible stage fright and they have to be up infront of people everyday, plus they have to work out all the time to stay in shape and that would not go over well.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
I have very nice legs, I attribute that to hockey, softball and rugby...horrah for sports.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
I wish the same one I make every night before bed, and also that I would have the money I would like to be able to pay for school and books and still have a little left for the things I would like to buy.

Like Graffiti On My Tarnished Soul

2007-12-23T18:57:00.000-08:00

Long time, no post. I haven't been doing much except working now that school is out and I really don't feel like doing much more. I hate christmas, something bad always happens at christmas time, like Jesus is out to get me on his birthday or something, not that me and Jesus are homeboys at the moment anyway seeing as how I haven't been to church in forever. Three years ago, Kim was leaving for Denmark, Two years ago she left the family and spent christmas in England, last year S broke up with me. This year I don't know what to expect but I'm worried.

I hate going out and seeing people I know, I think thats the main reason why I'm not a huge party person, and if I do go to a party I don't want to know the people there. One of the many reasons why I won't go to the bars here, people I know bring up memories that I want to forget.

Met S in the rink parking lot tonight. Our relationship is so confusing now I can't even take it. One minute I think I'm fine and I'm over him and the next like he texts and asks to hang out and my heart melts, its so frustrating. Usually we hang out then we don't talk again until he texts me to hang out, then tonight after he hugged me and I was leaving to get into my own car he says "text me tomorrow" I was like "ok.." Christmas miracle? I doubt it, Christmas hates me.

I need to get away from here so bad it hurts, but I don't want to leave. I'm a mess.

Sleeping Single In A Double Bed

2007-11-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

So I haven't posted in a long time, mind you I haven't felt much writting for quite some time now, nor like doing much of anything except blowing my brains out or watching the life pour out of me onto the tile bathroom floor. I feel like a stranger to myself, and even worse, to everyone else. They must think I am a stranger or else they have some uncanny reason why not to want to see or even talk to me. Am I so hard to get along with? Everything I have done in my life I have found some way to mess it up and this I know, but everyone deserves a chance, apparently I'm out of chances. I don't want to be here anymore. I'll post more later. Peace, LJ<3

If there's anything to say, If there's anything to do, I'd do anything for you

2007-10-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

Hmm I've discovered with deeply philosophical pondering that my two favorite shows are almost exactally the mirror images of each other. So the oc and boy meets world, both about kids/young adults discovering reality (althought the oc is quite a bit more modern and risqué).
Anywho, you've got Sandy Cohen and Alan Matthews for your wise figure who always somehow sneaks some good advice in there, always good for a laugh.
Corey Matthews and Seth Cohen, drama queens, protagonists, curly hair, sarcastic humor, just trying to make it with the girl they love.
Amy Matthews and Kiersten Cohen, the blonde supportive mothers.
Shawn Hunter and Ryan Atwood, both from humble backgrounds, Trailor park and Chino, both their mothers ran away, both of few words, like to throw some punches now and then, but somehow they end up with the friends they're with.
Topanga Lawrence and Summer Roberts, the apples in the eyes of the protagonists, both crazy and hilarious, you love to love them. Girls next door.
Marissa Cooper and Angela/Rachel sweet girls, in the past have fallen for the wrong guys but everything will work out for them in the end...'cept Marissa dies and Rachel leaves.
And suddenly the clouds opened up, and Kate and shone her wisdom down upon the heathens. That's all I have for right now but I've only been thinking about it for like 5 minutes.

The Art of Rhetoric: A Page From My Clipboard

2007-09-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

If I could write to you and you would read, I'd write forever. But among the millions of words existing there are none so beautiful which can be combined to even begin to express the trappings of my soul.

drink down that gin and kerosene, and come spit off bridges with me- FOB

Should Zeus look down from his mighty throne, he'd scorn the angels for taking us apart. Lighting would rain like justice for the heart and correct the wrongdoings of mankind. And when it was all over, you will be you and I will be I and we're together, its beautiful.

My salvation lies in your love.

Lord love a lady tonight.

Like a phoenix from the ashes, like Christ from the tomb, our love will rise again and overcome the tourment that is mankind. We will succeed.

I just can't go on like this anymore, so Lord, be gracious to me.

I can see in your eyes that you won't come home tonight.

Dead girls don't wear diamonds.

Birds don't sing for broken hearts.

Things I Think You Should Know

2007-09-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever heard my name spoken with so much love. It's funny how the tone of someone's voice can melt your heart and take your breath away. Saying my name like that is better than a million "i love you"s beacause it's personal and you can't hide the passion within. I don't think I will ever have or hear love as strong as I do with you ever again in my life, unless Zeus looks down from his mighty throne and sees that the world is not right, and he brings us back to one another, and all is well.

Being in love is frightening. Especially once you admit it, because then you've said it out loud not only to another person but to yourself, and telling yourself something is hard to take back. No matter how many times I tell myself that I no longer love you, though you may believe me, I know that I'm lying because my stomach drops and my heart becomes surrounded by barbed wire and I can not breathe.

I know I love you because when we're together I feel love. I feel it in the room, in the air, in the furniture, in the muffled sounds of the tv upstairs, in the words we exchange and in the glaces we cast. I love you because when I'm with you I'm better that just me, I don't feel better I AM better. And when I'm with you I can do anything because you are right there beside me teaching me courage. I see the way your eyes look at me when we're together and they can't lie. I don't see why your head won't let your heart let me back in. I'm a fool for you and when you are once again a fool for me, it will all be ok.

I once believed that I deserved love, and now I'm not so sure. But I thank God and lucky stars for letting me dream, for in my dreams lies no heartache, you're here with me and no one can take that away but the monotonious drone of the morning alarm.

Things I Want To Scream At You

2007-09-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't feel like writting, I don't feel like eatting or sleeping. I don't feel like anything. Who am I if I can't write? What do I do? My head and my heart are exploding with feelings that I can't get out. I can't talk to you about you. How do I make this go away? I don't know how to fix myself now, it's never been this bad. I'm here without you. Just make it go away.

Things People Don't Know About Me

2007-09-01T21:33:00.000-07:00

I have never been to a Laundry Mat. I can't sleep with the closet door open. I have never watched Scarface. I named my fish Ryder Strong after Shawn on Boy Meets World. I make the same wish every day and night at 11:11. I'm stupid enough to believe that it might come true. I can't sleep through the night. I can't sleep without my pink blanket. I sleep with my cell phone beside my pillow and Treestump in my hand. I don't like shower curtains that I can't see through. I can hold my pee for a surprisingly long time. I like driving alone. I love thunder and lightnight storms. I don't like it when people touch my nose. I like blood pudding. I could sit on a beach for hours and watch the waves. I like looking at the stars. I am the most anxious person I know. I can't make a plan to save my life. Nor can I make simple decisions. I love to be scared but I hate being scared. I have to sleep with the window open. I can't stand it when the blankets are tucked in. I hate it when people move the things around in my shower. Sometimes I'm sad and I don't know why. I wish I had Audrey Hepburn's eyes and Angelina Jolie's body. I hate everything about the way I look except for the curve of my back. I hate my belly button. I write my feelings down a lot. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't. I used to turn the pockets out of my sweatpants when I was little and walk around like that. I still like to color. Watching sports calms me down. Only in person. Only for a minute. I pray every night and every morning. The same desperate prayer. My salvation lies in your love.

Remember when?- Alan Jackson

2007-08-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

Remember when I was young and so were you
And time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when?

Remember when we vowed the vows, and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, and it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when?

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each others hearts
Remember when?

Remember when the sound of little feet, was the music we danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we never give it up
Remember when?

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin' back, its just a steppin' stone
To where we are, where we've been
Said we do it all again
Remember when?

Remember when we said when we turn gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when.

Remember when?

To The Moon And Back...

2007-08-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

The rain pours through my open window but I don't care. I want it to soak through my curtains, I don't care if it soaks and ruins my hardwood floors, I don't care if it's soaking my bed, I want to feel the rain on my skin and let it soak me straight through to the bones. I wish I would get so sick that I could slip out of conciousness and not have to deal with the prison that is life. I once said that being with S was the only time when I managed to slip through the bars of that jail and be truely free and happy. He broke my heart with his coldness today, I had my hair cut just to impress him yet he didn't even comment on it. I don't want to leave here for four days in fear that I will get hurt worse than I already am. Just once I wish I could feel as much pain on the outside as I feel on the inside, physical pain I can deal with, you take deep breaths and you focus your mind somewhere inside to get through the pain. But you can't do that when the pain has etched itself into your soul. My heart feels as worn as the rocks that border the sea, each day it corrodes more and more and soon there will be nothing left to beat. I want to scream, I want to run and scream and rip the hair from my head, I want everything to be back the way it was, I want for S to scoop me up in his arms and let me know that everything will be alright. I don't want to feel the hurt anymore. I'm trying so hard to be positive and go out and have fun, only for his sake because he asked me to, if it were up to me I'd physically rip the heart from my chest like I feel it has already been done. I just wanted to go out tonight and drink, because I promised S I wouldn't drink alone anymore, and I keep my promises, just as I promised him that I'd love him forever, to the moon and back. But apparently thats too much to ask because people don't want me at the party. I'll fake a smile so he won't see and keep my feelings to myself, even if it kills me, I know we can still make it work he just has to realize it. Lord give me the strength I need and the courage I don't have to make it through one more day.

FUCK

2007-08-16T14:32:00.001-07:00

self explainitory, I'll elaborate later

Paradise By The Dashboard Light

2007-08-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

So the talk went better than expected (yay!), so as of right now I'm a semi-happy camper, trying not to get my hopes up though. I went shopping today and spent way too much seeing as how I have no job and am starting university in the fall, I think I'll apply at Stream tomorrow 'cause it's a call center so they'll take anyone and I need a job. I got really cute stuff though! Wish me luck in my future endevors and in love! Pray with me that my heart won't be broken again!!:(

Peace out, LJ<3

A Page From My Journal- Corey& Topanga

2007-08-13T20:12:00.000-07:00

Wednesday June 27
12:06 am

I laughed for the first time watching "8 Simple Rules", its not the same as Mr.Feeny, but it'll have to do for tonight. Tomorrow I'll watch an episode online, it always seems to give me hope and confidence. I miss S so much, he's pretty much like Topanga and I'm like Corey, in the later years of course, when Topanga was smart, funny and rational and Corey is still as naive as ever. If it were the younger years then I'd be Topanga, the crazy one who knows everything will be ok, and S is Corey the fun loving hilarious little boy.But no matter who was who they knew they'd always be together.I don't know who Mr.Feeny is but I'm starting to think that it'd be the two of us together, on the nights we'd sit and talk for hours about nothing at all, or when I'd lie with my head on his chest, almost asleep but knowing that I didn't want to because reality right then was better than any dream. Like the one I had last night, in my dream I had woken up and found a text message from S saying he was sorry and wanted to talk, he was still upset but that he only wanted us to be on a break for a little bit, then I woke up, no messages and more tears. I hope he's doing ok, I really wish there was something I could do to fix this, I don't know what else to try but I'll find something and try it when we've had a bit of time apart, I still love him so much. Lying on K's bed with her online talking to R and flirting with some other english guy makes it worse. The neighbours are home, as noisy as ever. I miss S. The painting on K's wall makes me think of S and I kissing and him getting my hair in his mouth, he'd spit it out, give me that cute "I'm not really angry but look at me pout" face and say "shave your head gurrl!" I'd laugh, tuck my hair behind my ear and kiss him again. I wish I would have kissed him before I drove away. I miss him so much and we've only been apart for a day.

Harsh Words Break Hearts

2007-08-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in a long time because frankly I stopped caring, also because I felt is was more fitting to write my feelings on my other blog, but I've tried to cast off the dark alter ego that was tearsonmypillow17 but it came back within the past 4 days. They have pretty much been the worst days in a month in a half.

I've spent my time crying and screaming and being angry with myself and with God. I can only pray so much. I have found it relaxing to go to the Nature Park beach and sit there at night in the darkness watching the waves crash against the beach like they never want to be apart. It brings a feeling of calm over me, it makes me feel small and insignificant but in a good way. It makes me feel like God has made bigger mistakes than I have and that things will be ok, when I am there it is like nothing can hurt me, nothing bad can happen to me as long as I am lying on my back with my head on a rock and my feet in the sand.I feel safe. It is the same feeling I get when S puts his arms around me, or even just smiles, and the warmth floods over me and weakens my knees but I remain standing.

I try not to think like that too much because then I begin to miss him again, which isn't good because I already miss him and want him back so much but I'm trying not to smother him, right now it seems like he couldn't care less if I were dead or alive, and he is angry with me for some reason that I do not know. He wants to talk to me, but he said it in an angry way which makes my heart hurt from fear of breaking even more. I just want to scream at him that we belong together and that I would rather be fighting with him everyday for the rest of my life than be with someone else. Maybe before we talk I'll say to him that I am going to talk and he is going to listen and I will just get everything off my chest, or perhaps get him to read the journal I keep which contains the inner most secrets of my soul. I doubt I will, for he is the one who makes me brave and without him I am a coward.

Peace,LJ<3

As I Await Tomorrow

2007-07-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

As I await tomorrow,
I recite my silent prayer
Sitting, watching, waiting for a change.
I was not made to be broken.
I can smile when I am sad,
As long as you do not think me weak.

Hold me once again,
Incase tomorrow never comes.
Know that I still care for you,
Though I try not to let you see.
Do you think of me during your day?
Does my smile grab your heart the way yours grabs mine?
Or are your feelings for me hollow?
As I wait tomorrow.

Frustrated

2007-07-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

I'm so frustrated. I'm frustrated with myself, with everyone, with God if there even is such a thing. I'm frustrated that there is nothing I can do to fix things. I'm so angry with myself for all the stupid things I do. I can't believe how I manage to mess up every good thing I have going for me and how everything is always my fault. I've been trying to write things down in a book, and I have been but now it just makes me frustrated, my feelings get out but nothing gets done, they just come pouring back 10 minutes later worse than ever. Why is everything always my fault? Why am I such a screw up? What did I do to deserve it? Uugghhh, it makes me so mad, I just don't know what to do anymore.

I think I'll copy a few of my poems onto this blog.

I Want To Be Inside Your Heaven

2007-06-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

I have this poem on my other blog but it is pretty much the only semi-good thing I've written in a long time, aside from yesterday when I compared S and I to Corey and Topanga, which was very well put.

the masacre brought with it hope
for the outcasts
revolt against your leaders and seek glory
the pain stricken and down trodd must rise up
to fight the battle of tomorrow for todays sake
call upon your bloody gods from the posters on your wall
run from duty and celebrate with any victory
the winning side doesn't want you
the losers are lying cold
tied to the anchor of an unsinkable ship
you defeat the purpose of life.
Failure.

The Monday Melee

2007-06-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

1. The Misanthtropic: Name something (about humanity) you absolutely hate.
the people in humanity, not all of them I suppose, but most of them
2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
The guy that appeared in the Starry Night epiosde of Boy Meets World and takes Topanga on a date. He should be found, drung out into the street and beaten with a cod fish.
3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
life as it is at this moment
4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
Corey Matthews, who never gives up on what he believes in
5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
a make-up artist told me I have nice lower eyelashes
6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
I wish everything worked out like it does on Boy Meets World, and I wish everything will go back to how it was

I believe in Peter Pan and miracles anything I can to get by

2007-06-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written in a while, to tell you the truth I just didn't feel like it. I really don't even feel like it right now but I thought I'd try to at least post once a month and it's getting closer to the end of June. Also I've been writting down my feelings in a book which is much easier to carry around with me than a computer would be. A lot has happened in the past few days but I'm not really up for it. All I know is that in time everything will be okay again, Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood and the Plain White T's will keep me strong when I don't think I can be until everything is back to normal.
On a brighter note, C and K invited me out to dinner next thursday, we're going to eat at K's work and get all dressed up real pretty, that should make me feel a bit better if I still need it at the time (which I'm sad to report I think I will).
I was watching Oprah yesterday and it was a rerun of the show that Faith Hill was on, I heard her and the woman who wrote the song "Fireflies" sing it together, needless to say I cried, it's a beautiful song filled with hopes and inspiration, it reminded me of seeing the fireflies on my way home from C's on Monday night. I had forgotten about them by tuesday night, that night I couldn't bring myself to go home, I stayed in town at a friends house with my phone clutched in my hand as it has been every night since when I go to bed.
When I have something more interesting to post I will, for now I'm going to go watch Boy Meets World and rely on Mr.Feeny to give me some advice. Also my favorite songs of the moment are: "Fireflies" by Faith Hill, "I Want to be Inside Your Heaven" by Carrie Underwood and "Radios In Heaven" and "Write You a Song" by the Plain White T's. I'm boring myself so I'm out. Peace<3

(8)Good-Bye Rugby Tuesday(8)

2007-05-08T17:10:00.000-07:00

So this week is pretty full for me. I had rugby monday, went to watch the guys play today, game wednesday, practice thursday, friday off and a game on saturday. Pretty frankly it's tiring me out! Plus the copius amounts of school work I've had lately is starting to take it's toll on me.
I have two essays for an independant Shakespear play due next week, and I am sooo happy that S read it last year and can help me out a little.
I'm pumped for this friday when I have time off to spend with him. I went to the game tonight, and I tried to call him this afternoon to tell him I couldn't hang out with him today but he wasn't home yet, and I couldn't call back until 3:30 and then he was angry at me when I got home for not playing with him and for going to the game instead.
No news on the dress, it's still not in yet, but I'm feeling much better about my bangs now and I've started to wear them down. However there isn't a lot of time to do my hair in the morning since I have to leave the house at 7:15, and Mom wakes me up way too late so I barely have enough time to make myself something to eat before I leave the house.
This post really wasn't that interesting, I'm sad and I'm going to go memorize my soliloquy now. (I don't understand why I have to memorize a soliloquy, it's not like I'm ever going to use it again in life, no one is ever going to call me up and go "I'll give you a million dollars if you can recite the first 20 lines of the 'to be or not to be' soliloquy, RIGHT NOW!...infront of this class of people for two bonus marks). *Sigh* upstairs I go. Peace<3

The Dress Dilema

2007-05-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Uggh, So I'm 17 and I'm obviously going to get upset over things that aren't really a big deal to other people. Take today for example:
-I told my dad that I was worried about my prom dress beacause it's supposed to be coming in soon and he freaked out and said "don't start! it's not a big deal and I don't know why you're trying to make a big deal about something that isn't even here yet!"
But in reality here is what's going through my head during the whole thing:
-I went all over New Brunswick and even down to the states to find my prom dress, and I wasn't being picky, the only feature I wanted was for it to be kind of a darkish emerald green color, not so hard you might think...wrong! It was so hard to find one and I went home so many nights upset because I couldn't find one. One night when we had just gotten back from the last possible store we were looking at and I was so upset that I was crying and just having a horrible night, so anyways my mom told me to calm down and to just look through some dresses on a few websites that a lady had recommended to see if there was anything I liked any, so I found a dress and SURPRISE! it came in a color called "hunter green" however the internet picture was in pink and it didn't look that bad, so i asked my mom&sister's opinion and they both liked it, so off we go the next night to get measured for my online dress. Measurements done, next part of the story. So my dress is supposed to be coming in soon and I'm getting really nervous, because everytime I picture my prom, that just isn't the dress that I'm wearing! And I feel horrible because my mom went through so much trouble to try to make me happy, and she already paid so much money for this dress, and I know how happy she was to be the one who went dress shopping with me because my sister couldn't make it. Also everytime I look at the picture and try to imagine it in green I find it REALLY hard. I know it's not a HUGE deal or anything, but I'm a 17 year old girl going to my high school prom and I really want to be happy. In addition to my dilema I hate my hair! I went to get foils and a trim and I came back with bangs up to my eyebrows and bleach blonde streaks through my hair (not AT ALL how my picture-perfect prom hair looks!!!) I want my hair to be a dark auburn, long side bangs (like my old beautiful ones) half pulled back and have nice big curls/waves, is that so much to ask?? So what happens if i get my dress and I absolutley hate it?!? and I have to spend the night upset because I don't like my dress? In my head there are two things I can do if this occurs: 1. Get the person altering my dress to hem it to the length my picture-perfect prom dress is (just a little below my knees) and rely on accessories to keep me cheerful, or 2. Buy a new dress for like $75 at like Le Chateau and use the money I'll be making this summer to pay my mom back for the $500 dress. *Sigh*

In Related News: S and I are watching "Flicka" this weekend and I'm super-excited, we don't get to hang out as much as we used to since he's working a lot now and I have rugby all the time (which he doesn't like very much at all and that makes me sad because I really like rugby). So I'm really excited to watch the movie with him this weekend because he always makes me cute little snacks during movie nights, lol he's too good to me! I feel bad though because today (dress dilema day) I came home and was very upset, to the point of very hard tears after the incounter with my dad, and he asked me what was wrong, and I said not to worry and I'd tell him about it when he got home when we had more time and it's not a dig deal, he got very angry at this and left. But really I just wasn't in the mood to talk about it yet, and If I was I just wanted to talk about it on the phone and not online, but I knew he had to go to work soon so I figurered I'd just wait. I know he'll make me feel better when he gets home from work though. He's usually the little voice of calming reason inside my head that lets me know that everything will be ok.
I'm pretty sure this is the longest post I've ever written and I should really start blogging again, I'll write it in my agenda! haha!! Supper time. Peace!